The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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