I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
