I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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