it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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