Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
