Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
