Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
