If that was your dad, he is hot
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
