I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
