There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
