Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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