Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
