I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize