it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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