i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
