It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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