you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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