So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize