I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
