You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
