I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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