Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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