make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
