hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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