I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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