i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Floor bacon is actually really good
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize