There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
