I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
