i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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