just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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