Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
