I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
