i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
