please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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