I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
