I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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