8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Send help, water and tortillas.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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