It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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