The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
