Don't make out with my wife yet
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize