Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i love accidental penises.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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