it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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