So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
