Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
