I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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