If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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