Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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