Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
