just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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