so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my shit smells like andre
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
