happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
