We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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