his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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