You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
