How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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